Red Rain and White Rooms
by Xella
Summary: Ah, this is a character insight piece about Ran. It's short, and it protrays what I believe Ran feels and thinks about things.


Red and White   
  
My fingers slid down the glass of the window. In my reflection I could see that what was there couldn't really be me. I lost myself when I lost Her. I still remember the sound she made when the car hit her and I can still remember the smell of the room when a doctor told me she was in a coma. Those are things I hold on to.  
Tears slipped unbidden down my face, leaving glistening tracks in their wake. The tears poured down my cheeks, but I couldn't make an expression or a sound. Wouldn't They be surprised to see me like this? Their silent and moody leader standing in front of a window watching himself cry in his reflection. Would They ask what was wrong? Would They even care? Or have I hidden myself so well in this empty shell that they cannot see me?  
I turned around, refusing to let myself slip into such a weakened state. I must stay strong for Her. I must save Her. I let myself slide down onto my bed in the middle of the room, letting my head clear before I went for my shift at the flower shop. I felt my facade slide back into its usual place as I stared at the stark white ceiling. My eyes burned with the intensity of it.  
  
I have to go now. If I don't, they'll probably come looking for me and I can't let Them find my white room. Rising from my bed, I walked across the room to the door, snatching up my coat from the back of a chair. I wraped it around my shoulders. The cool vinyl surrounded me and smothered me at the same time.  
  
I ignored the feeling as I turned the cool metal doorknob and as I begun my short trek to the flower shop. What's the point of taking my car? I need the fresh air before I face Them, anyway. It didn't take me long to get there, and I was greeted by a cheerful hello from Omi as I walked in the door. I grunted and nodded in response. He quickly returned to helping a customer, one of the many girls who often visit but rarely buy anything. "Annoying", was the word that passed through my mind as I slipped on my apron.  
  
I was truly thankful the others weren't here at the moment, Ken talks incessantly while Youji wastes all his time flirting. Do I resent their ability to pretend it doesn't hurt, like it's normal and everything's fine? Yes, it would be better than being my own reflection lost in a labyrinth of hatred and pain. I went about my work like a machine, ignoring the girls and silently standing by the cash register. Eventually the girls filtered out, heading home for the evening. I hate them; I hate them with a passion. They're so much like Her, but they can't be Her. I wish they'd find something better to do.  
  
Silently I helped Omi clean up and shivered slightly as his large blue eyes suddenly froze on my face a look of worry passing over him. I instantly looked away and returned to sweeping up bits and pieces of flowers into the dustpan. I hurried into the back room to dispose of the clippings and remove my apron. Finally, my shift was over I could escape back to the small white room that had become my shrine.  
  
I turned to leave, knowing Omi would look after the place until Ken and Youji arrived. Before I made it to the door, Omi made a noise as though to speak, but he was cut off by the sound of Ken and Youji arguing as they walked in the door. They paused in their argument to greet me and I just nodded. What else would they expect of me? I heard Omi breathe a small sigh behind me, but I kept walking ignoring his obvious plea for attention. Through the door, I was finally away from Them and freed into the cold, unforgiving day. It seemed a storm is brewing, but I didn't care I just wanted to make it back to my white shrine.  
  
I passed through a small park full of cherry trees. It was the kind of park you expected to find full of kids and their families. Oddly enough it was empty and deathly silent excluding the occasional splash of a koi from the pond. I sat myself down upon the soft green grass leaning against the thick trunk of a cherry tree. I could feel the rough bark against my back. I breathed in the gentle smell of the blossoms and watched them slowly begin their spiraling dance towards the ground. A sudden gust of wind swirled the blossoms franticly around the park into the small pond, causing the water to come alive with ripples.  
  
I'm the cold one. I'm the distant one. That's what They whisper behind my back. Never to my face, of course, but I know that's what they think. The sad thing is, I wish that I could be distant and cold, but the truth is, I feel too much so, I have to protect myself. She taught me this when she fell into her slumber; I can't get to close-oh, never, ever that close. What if the one I'm close to falls away from me? Will I really become numb then? I closed my eyes resting my cheek against the tree's bark. For a long moment, I sat there, listening to the wind blow about. A drop. I opened my eyes to confirm what I'd felt and indeed it was raining. Standing up I scraped my ivory skin against the tree as I got up to walk home in the rain.  
  
The room. It felt so good to be back here in this room, my shrine. I hung my soaking wet coat back in the closet, my nose wrinkled at the smell of the wet vinyl. I carefully removed my shoes and returned to my seat beside the window. I turned my violet eyes to the window once more. Placing my hand on the cool glass, I leaned my forehead against it and looked outside. It had begun to rain harder. I could almost feel it when it hit the thin glass. I closed my eyes and sat there, listening to the rain strike the window with such force it was surprising it did not shatter with each blow. I felt my face slide against the glass as I fell to the white carpeted floor and stared at the stark ceiling once again.  
  
For Her, I had to stay strong. I have to remain a reflection; I have to wear my cold mask of indifference. Perhaps once she was safe, then maybe just maybe, I'll be able to break the glass holding me out of the white shrine I really need. Then again, maybe not, I just hope They don't find me. Please don't let them find me.  
Onto the bed I crawled and curled up into a small little ball listening to the rain strike the window. Eventually I'll escape for good, but for now I escaped into the welcoming arms of sleep where I dream of my white room and the red rain.  
  
  
End~  
  
I can't save you,  
I couldn't save myself either.  
Forgiveness isn't what I'm looking for I just want all this to be over  
I want you to be here again.  
You say I have friends I have people to talk to  
No, I don't really they're not really there.  
They don't really know me; they just know my reflection.  
So I hide, I keep myself at a distance  
Wake up; please only you can save me.  
But in order to save myself I must save you.  
But you can't save yourself.  
And I can't save you.  
  



End file.
